Tired of being tired is an old cliche. I’m almost even tired of writing about being tired.
Friday night into well into Saturday, I slept better than I have in months and months and months. Saturday night into Sunday, it was gone again, replaced with fitfully tossing and turning, and waking up early. Which means it is my emotions that are keeping me from sleeping, which makes me ANGRY.
I hate it when my emotions get in the way of very practical things, like sleeping. There’s a long list of things my emotions are getting in the way of right now, but sleeping might well top the list. The only, only, only helpful piece of advice I ever got for emotions-getting-in-the-way-of-life was: You need more time for yourself. It’s as much a necessity as going to the bathroom. You need to. You have to. You can only put it off for so long.
It’s good advice — it nearly always works — but it’s still maddening sometimes how impossibly out of your control it can seem to be to follow it. What, do you think I planned on being broken down in the remote mountains half across the country for three days? You think I planned the insane madness of switching jobs and living situations every 10 weeks?
So the problem is, I have to write about being tired. I have to be “with” all the emotions, even just the quiet chorus chanting “tired, tired, so, so, tired” in the back of my head, all of the time. Even the lamenting voice that says, “I am just so bone weary tired.”
And I wish I could get beyond them, to the other emotions. To the hopes and dreams and profound(ish) thoughts. But as with grief, it seems like sometimes you have to just sit there and hang-out in the lone note sounded too long. Or maybe the chord, who’s base note is tiredness, and on top of that is fear, and on top of that is hurry.
And it is so tempting to think that if you could just DO, then things would get better. Get rid of the hurry, and the fear will go away. Get rid of the fear, and the tiredness will go away. But the doing actually seems to feed the hurry and the fear and the tiredness. And it seems like the only way it really works is to rest first. How is it we can be too tired to rest? Because in order to rest, you have to trust that God is taking care of the worry and hurry.
Be tired? Yes.