fighting against the dying of the light

It’s so very hard to rest. A good deal so, I think, because first you have to admit how very, very tired you are. This feels like a failure already.

“I shouldn’t be this tired.”

“What reason do I have to be this tired?”

“I didn’t used to be this tired.”

“I must be getting old.”

“I must just be a wimp.”

I was kind of trying to get my dad to think about this very thing this morning. I asked him if he thought maybe he was over-training. He said no, he thought he was just getting old. I really had to try hard to not point out that part of getting old was not being able to train as hard, and maybe if he was getting older he was over-training.

But really, the same is true for me. I had so many ideas about what I was going to over this long break. It really is long. “Working people” would give their eye-teeth for it. I should be able to just bounce back and go, and get so much stuff done. Instead. . .hah. And it makes me mad, a bit, because I don’t want to accept the fact that maybe I was just that worn out and I really did just need that much time to heal and recovery and try to store up all sorts of reserves for the next 9 months. In short, I want to be omnipotent.

The weird thing is, God is omnipotent, and He went ahead and rested anyhow. My best guess is, we not only want to be omnipotent, we’re afraid of how we’re not. Afraid we’re going to run out of time, afraid we can’t do the things we want to do, afraid that even now we’re in the process of failing. With not confidence in our power, we feel driven to make up for it by effort.

It’s kind of pathetic, really. We’re still the toddlers fighting our naps. Or, I am, anyhow.

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