Yes, there is that stab of jealousy. I don’t know what my GPA is, yet, but I’m pretty positive it’s not 4.0. Her’s is.
Why the anger, the jealousy, the disappointment? Because that used to be my claim to fame. It isn’t now. I deliberately gave it up, though–I fought to give it up. I said it wasn’t worth the stress and the obsession, and it’s not. She has her pretty little 4.0, but she followed it up with “worth it” and I can’t say that any more.
But what do I have instead? Letting go of something to seize a hold of something else seems to make sense, but why let go for the sake of letting go–for nothing?
What did I get out of that semester? I was still stressed. And I feel like I have nothing to show for it. When you’re stressed, but nail that 4.0, you feel like that was the point of it all, even if it wasn’t worth it.
Here and now, I try to remind myself that there were other things making me stressed. Not having friends. Not having a safe place to be myself. Missing my family. Being in a new and strange environment, always. Not being able to live the way I used to live. A family friend dying. Issues with teachers. Taking on debt. Going through major life transitions, and not really having anyone to walk along side me through it.
I want to put a value on what I did do. I want to credit. I want proof. Crickets, I want to know what was accomplished. Anything?
It feels like nothing.
It feels like all I have done is gotten one step closer to “making it through” – and that thought terrifies me, because I have no idea what I’m going through to. I don’t know what’s on the other side, so it’s really hard to want to press on to get through it. One more semester, my first clinical rotation, another whole year, another summer, a whole year of rotations–and even getting through my boards–and then what?
Probably about a quarter a million in debt, and no place to live, no job I know I want, no place I feel like is home.
This is the truth of how I feel, but even as I write this, I hear a quiet voice trying to remind me that at least two people I care about told me they thought I helped them pass the semester. They are no where near the 4.0. Did I “stoop” to lift them? I’m not sure. I don’t have a report card to tell me so. I only have a deep seated ache, and a fear of what comes next.