I woke up again, last night. I hate it when this happens.
I’m already bone tired, dark circles under my eyes for days. One more time I go to bed too late, still knowing I have to get up early the next day. And still, I wake up.
Maybe it’s not the waking up that’s so bad. It’s the staying awake. No, not out of anxiety. Out of longing.
Do you know what makes me mad? When married women breezily tell un-married women that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Well, sure; easy for you to say. Easy for you to say that life is grand when your single, that you shouldn’t be waiting and everything will happen so don’t be in a rush. Easy for you to say, when you aren’t waking up at 3 am wishing you weren’t alone, anymore.
I’m not sitting around doing nothing. I am living my life. I’ve just been accepted into graduate school. I believe God uses and blesses me. I don’t think my life revolves around handsome Mr. X, and I’m not doodling hearts in all the margins of my school papers, or planning weddings.
The fact that I believe life can be richly rewarding and meaningful as a single woman in no way lessens the real ache of a body and mind and spirit that wants. Wants good things. To love and be loved is not a stupid, flighty wish. To join forces with someone in living this life is not a pollyanna, romantic notion. I know that my meaning and worth is not bound up in finding some guy to marry.
That doesn’t mean I can just shut of that well-spring of desire at 3 am, when I’m already exhausted and what to be asleep. Unbidden it comes, and nothing dulls it. And it doesn’t do me any good to have happily married women enjoying what they’ve been given and pretending it’s no lack on my part. How long does it take you happily married women to forget what it’s like to want what you don’t have? Sure, sure–you were like that once, but looking back on life now, you realize it was so unnecessary. Well, great for you; but pining away doesn’t feel very romantic over here. It feels barren. It feels like working through your hunger, when it isn’t time to stop working even though it’s long past dinner time. It feels as un-optional as feeling tired after laying awake in the early morning hours.
This isn’t what I want, but this is where I am. Stop telling me that single life is great, you married women who wake up at 3am with your husbands beside you. You aren’t telling the truth–I can see it your eyes, hear it in your voice. You got yours, and now that the pain is past, it doesn’t seem so bad. Well, some of us are still walking in it. Doesn’t it seem even a little cruel, even to you, to post pictures of you kissing your love on your wedding day, and writing underneath that about how those who long for their own love are short-sighted? You can post pictures of your wedding day, but could you at least admit you have something to be envied? It is. Life is temporary and fleeting, but love is one of the strongest joys within it, and marriage it’s own kind. You should enjoy it. You should delight in it.
But you should stop enjoying it on one hand and telling us not to want it on the other. You needn’t comfort me, but you needn’t dismiss my pain, either.